| What a life this is now... |
[13 Nov 2003|08:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 numb |
] |
Drea has been gone for ages... I know he comes and goes as he pleases and I don't mind, but-- Remorse told me this morning that Drea's left. Along with Aya, and Torrin, and others that I can't remember now.But most importantly Drea is gone...I don't know when he'll be back. If ever... He never even said goodbye.
But what can I expect?
Nobody loves hate.
|
|
|
[18 Sep 2003|09:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
Well I'm not a burning inferno encased in a tub of ice water anymore.... I'm still not entirely better, my fever's at 130. But at least I'm not comatose.
It was very strange. I don't even know why it came on myself. I was just sort of achy for a few days, and then suddenly it exploded into sheer pain and heat. It was like something was tearing me apart from the inside out. Hell, it FELT like I was being turned inside out.
But the pain is past and now I'm just sweaty, a little sore, and mentally damaged from it. Yeah you heard me, MENTALLY damaged.
Because I'm changing. I'm no longer Enrage. I am... something else. What it is I don't know, because I'm not fully morphed yet. It's so weird. It's like being split between two decisions and switching back and forth between them. One minute I'm angry as a hornet-- ready to KILL Jasper who SHAVED MY FUCKING HEAD WHILE I WAS OUT OF IT(!!!)---and the next I'm calm and forgiving---ready to kiss Jasper for bringing me medicine that brought my fever down.
Oh well. Even if I change into something completely wimpy....even WIMPY itself.... I know Drea will love me. He told me so.
Which is why I know when I'm changed, he'll extract revenge for me and pluck all the hairs out of Jasper's tail one by one. =D
Now I'm going to go drink some tea and reflect on my inner reflection. <3
|
|
| Oh god... so close... |
[12 Sep 2003|07:51pm] |
Dying.... I think this is it.... So hot... Goddamnit...so fucking hot..... Overloading....
Drea... I love you.
|
|
| taking initiative... |
[01 Sep 2003|08:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
My insides are melting down. What the fuck...
I must have passed out on the computer because Patience found me and put me to bed. I have a fever of nearly 200, and rising. It's really fucking hot. Right now I'm sitting by a fan in a bathtub of ice cubes. Withalaptoprunningonthetubsidehehehehe.
It's really mudane when I'm feeling this damn terrible and all I care to do is write about it in a stupid little cesspit journal like this. Why is it whenever the body we inhabit gets sick, I'M the first one to come down with any sign?
Coughing up blood is rather unpleasant, especially when it's my own. At least my chest stopped hurting. All the nerves frazzled out long ago so I suppose it's still hurting but I can't feel it anymore. Whatever. The heat is bad enough I think.
Pat's rather out of it lately. Tending to me like a nurse. I think it gives him something to do. Or something to think about. What if I were gone? He'd not have anyone to protect him from the big bad rapist. Feh. What do I look like? A gaurd dog? I couldn't give a shit about what happens to him, but let him think what he likes. I'd probably only kill the rapist because he was in my house without permission.
I miss Drea. Haven't seen him in a while, but eh... you know how that is. I let him have his freedom to come and go. Hanging on too tight hurts. This loose hug is much better. I can't say I'm not wishing he'd come and see me now-- but I seriously doubt I should be around him in my state. I'm not a pretty picture.
Bah. I think I better call Pat again-- the ice is melted down again. And I'm getting hotter.....
|
|
| Aiyah... |
[30 Aug 2003|08:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sore |
] |
My chest hurts.
The closest I can compare it to is a heart attack. Or like my chest just exploded. It's been so long since I've felt such intense pain. Normally nothing phases me. But this really stings.
I don't even know why it's like this. I just wish it would stop. It's hard to type.
Remorse is too enwrapped in his lovemaking with DarkStar to notice. Jasper's off serenading lovers, and the house is too quiet. Fuck...
Maybe some wine will help. Red wine.... Blood.... maybe...
|
|
| Nightmares |
[12 Jul 2003|10:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
I don't believe Remorse has ever done this before. He still sleeps, but it's restless. He cries, and screams, and breathes as shallow as a skim of water on a freshly rained upon road. He did this about a week after he fell asleep and continued to do so until two days ago.
Some woman touched us all that day he stopped. Moved with the cosmos and broke the invisble energy of a barrior that protected us from physical contact and arranged this body the way it should be. At least it made Remorse stop his whimpering, and I can relax in peace.
I'm just a bit irritated that it left me feeling too cool headed. I'm anger, I'm not supposed to be content.
The worker said something about the chakras being devoid of any color. Colorless. Not white, perhaps clear? That was strange. Even stranger yet was that she said the heart was filled with green slime. She got rid of 75%. Hm, I must see this slime myself. Perhaps it is a way the body reacts to something. Or to me.
It's been such a long time hasn't it? Since I wrote here. It doesn't mean I'm not here, just not too interested in recalling anything. This woman roused me and made me want to take note is all.
|
|
| how does this shit happen anyway? |
[02 Jun 2003|09:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
Christ. Fucking Jesus.
What the hell just happened you asked? Oh nothing too much.
REMORSE JUST FUCKING DIED.
.....Well as much as he can at least. He's in a coma right now. Sleeping. But Fox isn't awake either... I came downstairs last Friday, to see why Remy hadn't been bothering me much. I found out that he's gone to sleep. He looks like he couldn't help but just fall over, because he was half slumped over his art table his hand in midstroke of a painting. Christ oil paints are hard to get out of fur.
I put him to bed, Jasper harrassing my ear the entire time. I don't know why he's so upset, he knows the three of us do this. We sleep and then wake. It's a cycle. We can't control it, sadly enough. I wish he'd just shut up about it already. I can't know how long he'll be like this.
Dark Star's probably going to be lonely without Remorse around. But Dark Star's not been around a lot lately anyway. Why does Remy have to choose people he KNOWS are going to cause him heartbreak in the end anyway? It's pretty stupid. But hey, look who's talking. So love isn't easy and you don't choose who you love. It sucks like that. But there are other ways it sucks without being bad. >3
Bah. Remorse wake up already. Jasper's getting on my nerves...
|
|
| Drea |
[16 May 2003|10:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
I miss him. But I know, he'll come to me when he's ready. There are many things I wish to tell him about myself as well.... This secret he holds... I've probably done it already, and worse.
He really has nothing to fear from me, especially about choice and paths he took during his existance. Because I've made those and walked the same before. I'd understand. I wouldn't hold it against him. *soft chuckle*
Soon.......
Patience has become mopey. He's hardly left his room, working on that book of his and avoiding his stalker. I haven't seen a shaggy overweight shepard around so I think he'll be fine. He's so antisocial. Blah. He needs to go out and have fun. I may ask Charlemane to go take him to a club. The old bastard could use a drink and a dance to loosen up that stiff neck of his.
Mmm. This whiskey tastes damn good. Like fire down my throat. I need to go buy another bottle of this stuff.
|
|
| sucking it out. |
[13 May 2003|11:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
Horse bone marrow tastes good when you suck it out of a warm femur. Went hunting last night. Think I killed another twenty. Not sure, wasn't counting. It was fun. When I came home, and showered, Malice visited. I wasn't in the best of moods and didn't want to be around much. Remorse steered her away.
Good thing too, she wanted to bring out Edall to explain things to me. I don't fucking care anymore. If the entry wasn't meant for me fine, but his fucking comment pissed me off just as much. He can go to hell and back a hundred times for all I fucking care, and I'd love to be the one to send him there.
Jasper's been staying away from me. Good. Little fucker finally learned I'm still who I was years ago and will continue to be so for the rest of my life. Stupid fucker. I catch him alone, I'll eat him too.
I'm going to go finish this meal and then go back out again. I'm feeling a bit gluttonous today.
|
|
| hate. |
[10 May 2003|12:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
*chuckles*
Sometimes you really have to shake your head and laugh at how stupid some beings are.
Then slam your boot into their skull, crushing it back into the mud it was born from. Everything has it's place.
It's time some people learned that.
|
|
| Spite to your Heart. |
[09 May 2003|10:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
infuriated |
] |
.. no, of COURSE I don't mind being spurned for something new.. fuck Edall anyway, what's HE ever been to anyone? UGLY LITTLE PRICK, what good does HE do!? I fucking hate all of you. ALL of you. Leave me the fuck alone. Leave my brother alone. And I PROMISE you. If you dare to apologize to either him or myself, I will fucking skin you alive and roll you in salt.
I. Hate. Everyone.
That's what he wrote.
And I sent a fuck you right back. This pisses me off more than anything right now. Next fucker who comes in my sight that's NOT Drea is going to get their kidneys ripped out. I'm just that mad right now. So now this is MY fault? He fucking LEFT me.
Just gone. No word, no hint, no nothing.
And there he sits complaining about it. So now he's the martyr who's been spurned. Yeah. I get it. All because he left me and I actually found someone who would pick up the pieces he and Devon left. I didn't feel anything bad about him going before, except a little hurt, thinking he had his reasons... But that apathy flew out the window last night when I read that in his journal. Yeah cry. Feel spurned. Do whatever the fuck you want but don't come near me.
I'm going out hunting. Otherwise I may just rip apart everyone in this house right now.
|
|
| Patience wearing thin. |
[08 May 2003|11:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
listless |
] |
Pat's not a bad person living with us. He's quiet, keeps to himself, and doesn't cause trouble. His fans? Well they do. Evidentally a stalker's been bothering him. When he came here all he wanted was to be protected. I'm not much for caring, but if the guy comes around here and I see him, I'll skin him anyway. I like to do that. His hide might make a nice throw rug.
In other news...
Nothing much is going on. I'm sleepy a lot lately. But at least I'm nearly fully healed. No more cane for me. Yay. Though it did come in handy, whacking Jasper upside the head whenever he bothered me. Maybe I'll keep it just for that purpose.
DreaDreaDreaDreaDreaDreaDrea.....Got his name stuck in my head like a song. Damn cat, what have you done to me? He comes and goes as he likes but I don't mind. He's MY stray cat, and he'll always come back. Afterall, I know I feed him the best out of anyone else there might be.
Dark Star came back. About fucking time. I thought Remorse would never perk up.
Speaking of which, Charlemane's new boyfriend Dusty is moving into town. I have a feeling my pet will soon be leaving us. Maybe to move closer to Dusty, or maybe move in WITH him. Not sure. But that means Patience and Jasper will take up Charlemane's floor. If anymore people move in, I may have to adjust the house some. I hope not though... I rather like my house.
|
|
| ARGH! |
[01 May 2003|02:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
infuriated |
] |
WHERE THE FUCK DO ALL OF THESE ASSHOLES COME FROM ANYWAY?!
IF ONE MORE PERSON SHOWS UP I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL THEM AND EAT THEIR GUTS BATHE IN THEIR BLOOD AND WEAR THEIR HIDES AS MY CLOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, anymore fuckers wanna step up to bat with me?!
|
|
|
[01 May 2003|10:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 shocked |
] |
M....My house......
I'm going to kill him when I see him.
|
|
| PURR. |
[26 Apr 2003|12:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
:3
Aya drew him and I today. I really like that little fox. She's so thoughtful and nice. And she can actually DRAW me the way I'm supposed to look. Unlike SOMEONE around here..... *glares at Heather*
I wish he were here right now. Don't know where the pretty little kitten went off to. Ah well. Soon enough he'll come back.
Jasper's back. Stupid little fuck. Why won't he die??? ~.~
|
|
| None too pleased. |
[23 Apr 2003|11:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
irritated |
] |
Last night was a little irritating. I let someone take my pet out for a good time and I end up with a rabbit who's got a hole in his lung from a broken rib that snapped and lodged into the tender flesh. Charlemane told me that he was mainly at fault for that-- he didn't want to disappoint Dusty so he tried to ignore the pain at his side. The movement must have made the rib puncture the lung.
At least he's better now.
He was up for a little while today, but I told him he's not to get out of bed. He's to sleep off the last bits of pain.
While last night was not the best night, this morning is even worse. Guess what?
We've another fox to deal with.
ARGH. He's happy like Fox. But he's a pain in the fucking ass. I swear to god if he doesn't stop singing japanese songs I'm going to fucking scream. Remorse and I don't know where the fuck he came from, he just appeared out of nowhere. He's like us, with tufted ears, marking him as one of us (emotions. Brain elves. ~_~).
Ohdeargodpleasenonottheberrysong....
I hate Dir en Grey with a passion right now. >_
|
|
| Ashes, ashes, we all fall down. |
[21 Apr 2003|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 peaceful |
] |
Everytime a great tragedy happens, a great miracle follows in it's footsteps like wind blowing sand over the great pyramids. Something is lost, yet something found.....
I found "Drea" tonight.
Or rather he found me. He attacked me, hungry and fierce, trying to suck all vitality from me. Silly kitten, he didn't know what I am.... I can't be killed by mere loss of blood. Once he was done, I knew. I saw it there, in his eyes. Some sort of ancient kindling long blow out had been lit aflame again, the embers rising into wildfire.
Soon enough I found him in my bed, his scent of death, blood, and long forgotten ruins of lost civilizations overpowering my senses. I went the easy way for him, as I realized I wanted to make him see heaven through a pearly window of the space inbetween. I wanted him to feel pleasure and only that.....
It was his first time......
I think I did a good job of making it a good time too.
A pocket full of posies, and a hand full of petals. Blowing them gently onto the wind, I let them free unto the world and so they may let me be at peace. Goodbye my posies. Goodbye. For I've found my rose amongst the thorny tangles of its bush.
|
|
| the crooked little man walked down the crooked little lane....... |
[17 Apr 2003|04:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
numb |
] |
I felt somewhat better today and decided to go out and find Edall. The walk to his house was grueling and I had to stop and rest several times. When I arrived, no one was home. And a for sale sign was in the yard.
Gone without a trace.
I want to kill something.
|
|
|
[16 Apr 2003|10:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
Edall's not visited me in a while. Damnit. Why am I worried? He's fine. He's absolutely peachy keen and....
fuck it I miss him.
Where are you???
|
|
| Scratch that... |
[12 Apr 2003|11:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exanimate |
] |
Okay so Edall is pissed off at Devon now-- but not because of me. Because of something Devon said. *sigh*
At least he's not so sick anymore. Though I don't want him hurting himself.... *worried frown* I hope he comes to visit again tonight. I'd like his company. It's almost addicting in a way. :3 Edall. The next cocaine.
I've not seem Remorse all day. I was getting a little concerned, till I hobbled myself downstairs to get a book-- and found his easel and paints scattered all over the place in the living room. The watercolor was still fresh so I'm assuming he hadn't been gone long.
He was painting me. And Edall, Hayden and Devon too. We were all sitting in a field lacing flower crowns and talking. So I really don't think he hates you Devon. I think he just wants peace and to see you again without trepidation.
My legs hurt.
Probably telling me to stop fucking walking on them. *sigh* I think I'm going to need a cane for a while. I can't walk very well. I nearly fell five times going down for said book. Never did find that blasted thing....
I hear Charlemane skuttling about downstairs. Maybe he'll find it for me.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
enrage's journal